I sat up on the bus home from Toronto last night and had the compulsion to write this, for some reason. It's something I've been thinking about for the last year or so, but never really fleshed out in writing. Here goes:
_____
On Kisses
I have had a lot of trouble with this one. I once, when young, inexperienced, and... well... all that entails the follies of youth, was quite upset when someone I cared much about (still do, in many ways, though not the same) kissed someone else. They meant it, she loved him, only she loved me more. At least, that's the way I understood it then, though my reaction would not be in accord with my current mode of thought.
That event... I struggled with it for many years, through many occasions where lips have met. I struggled to justify, to understand the importance (or non-importance, as it may have turned out to be) of a kiss. I'd say all the kissing I've done since then, until... perhaps last year, has been a path (some mistakes, and some wondrous discoveries) towards an understanding of what it means to me.
Yes, to me. I know I maintain that relativism should not be applied in all cases of human experience, but as far as kissing goes, it should be. Each person discovers what it means for themselves.
So, what do they mean? First, I suppose, we should state clearly that there are kisses and there are kisses (and there are kisses and so forth). I think this we can all agree on. You can pack a whole lot of meaning into a kiss, whatever it is that you want to convey.
I think most people will agree, in any instance, pecks, social kisses, and et cetera are a goodness. So I won't waste any time addressing the finer details there.
And I think that most everyone can agree that sometimes, deep salacious kisses happen with people you don't necessarily care much for, besides to get them naked (or partially so) in the closest convenient location possible.
But somehow, those don't really mean anything. This is where it gets difficult, because sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
Before I go anywhere significant with this, I think we can all agree that people in love also share deep kisses that mean quite a bit.
Over the years, it became extremely apparent that these separate agreements have large grey ares between them. Most importantly, how then with friends?
I'm going to take a conceptual leap here and say: it doesn't matter whether not the friends I'm kissing are people I want to sleep with, or vice-versa. Sex with friends is a related topic, but also a whole different can of worms. I know I create huge logical fallacies in removing the distinction from the discussion, but hopefully my point will get across and you will agree that it doesn't really play enough of a role to matter.
Early on, I always felt that kisses between friends fell under the categories of either a) romance or b) sex. I imagine for a lot of people that's how it appears when they're young (or even still). It's not hard to see why... in the first case, you have the requisite emotional attachment, in the second, well, I quote, "friends can do it."
And while either may at any time be true, does it not strike anyone odd that this understand leaves room to kiss those you love romantically, and those you have no real love for, yet not the love inbetween?
This realization came somewhat to a head around three years ago, between a year of voluntary celibacy and a summer of rampant sexual excess... and the reflections on makeouts with friends and the changing character (between the two extremes) of those times. Placing meaning behind some where no such sentiment could be found and removing a certain meaning (that wasn't entirely romantic) that was actually there.
My conclusion in the end of all this... one, with admitted hiccups, has worked for me since... is to assume neither romance of sexual intentions with a kiss between friends unless indicated otherwise. A kiss, indeed, even a whole night of kisses and cuddling, can be wonderful and nothing but ('nothing'... besides that it is quite something wonderful) an affirmation of friendship and the love that goes with it.
All this is not to say that I will begin snogging every friend I make or have, in a Stranger In A Strange Land-esque utopia of shared and free love, but to say that when it does happen, as it has before now, I can appreciate it as an act of friendship rather than forcing meaning or the lack thereof unto it... resolving an inner quandary that has haunted me for many years.
While this logic would also seem to apply to sex, there is logical lacunae there I haven't yet examined, but I will eventually. I'm not giving here a general, all-out proclamation on the subject... simply stating what it means (currently) to me. The experiences of others may inform them otherwise.