thingsthatcouldvebeen
Sometimes I wonder if it's any good to think about things that could've been A do-over. A save and load.
Okay, more than sometimes. I have a longstanding fantasy about starting my life over from birth knowing everything I know now. A fantasy... and frequent nightmares.
But we're not frequently offered the opportunity to actually go back in time. Sometimes, just sometimes, we get small chances to undo the mistakes and miseries of our past. And almost always, we jump at them.
Never quite works, really.
My first love was... for all intents and purposes... the most intense emotional sharing I'd ever have with a person. To extents, perhaps, well documented already on the blog. It's a subject of much of my thoughts. Shared dreams, thoughts thrown across a continent... it still seems like a fantasy to me now.
But it all came crashing down.
That's not why I'm writing this, however. The point is... there were times I tried to rekindle this old romance, knowing full well that the world had continued turning and our fates diverged. And it never felt right... I had hoped physical proximity would rekindle a slight flame, but there wasn't one.
I suppose what I'm getting at is... I don't know if we can quite revisit our mistakes and turn them back. Especially when it comes to other people. Seeing friends I've lost for some time, from several years spanning back to elementary school... with each of them, the spark is gone. The closeness of experience just.... dissipates.
And perhaps its more than that. Perhaps there is something underneath everything that connects us all, and the less we let our thoughts wander to someone, the weaker the bond. Maybe.
That's actually a really disconcerting thought. I know now that after University there will be the inevitable falling out with many of the people I've gotten to know here. And I know simply as a matter of example... even friends who stay in touch after all is said and done, as people speak less as they 'mature'... the bond disappears. They're little more than close acquaintances, social obligations... people you go to when your thirst for human contact overwhelms you, but not people you trust with your lives. Not people you can casually sit around the living room with 'shooting the shit'.
I'm not sure, if that is the life ahead, that I want to go on living. It's been a rich and exhilarating ride so far, and I don't want to get off.
But if offered a do-over...
I probably wouldn't take it.