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I haven't been to a decent show since Bluesfest. Just a random thought.
I'm rather in the mood for something... classical. Wonder if I'll ever get a chance to see Seiji Ozawa and YoYo Ma again. I should check the NAC schedule... I haven't been there in some time.
A bit of Tchaikovsky, tonight, I think.
EDIT: Oooo! Midori's at the NAC in January playing some Tchaikovsky. Good choice me. I may just have to go...
Another semester down, a spot of wine, some Calvin and Hobbes, and a bit of Grandaddy to kick back with. Infinitely relaxed.
Wondering if this attraction I'm feeling is but a fleeting thing or if it's for real. It's been a long time since I've been genuinely interested in someone, for more than a night of the usual.
I'll just have to see where things take me.
This time around I'm getting that little nervous inability to form words in any coherent fashion. Haven't had that happen in some time.
Too tired to properly blog. Europe's border-free zone expanded today. It's good to be an EU citizen.
Love to all, and happy holidays.
Reading old blog posts after playing a bit of piano.
A snowstorm is still raging outside, and everything's covered with over a foot of snow.
I don't know if I have much to say.
The Beatles are still awesome.
Need a drink. Got some vodka left, gonna get to it.
One of the most unfortunate things about going to a University founded as a college, and only in 1942 at that, is that most classes read as though they came from a technical college, and the rigid structure of the work doubly so. Perhaps not to the grueling extent that a college puts its students through, but where a college teaches work skills, University undergraduate work is a rehash of the thought of others. It's hardly original, in any sense, and it is... mind-numbingly dull and therefore hardly motivating.
But then, I suppose, it is a plague which has taken most Universities, no matter how prestigious, along for the ride. I can't say we're developing into a society that I like all that much.
I didn't start off this thought thinking exactly that but I thought it a worse condition than the triviality I was going to harp upon, which is another downside to such a school. The lack of a tightly-knit community and most certainly, the lack of collegiate secret societies that fuel intrigue and political suspense and form friendships and connections to last a lifetime.
A very singularly unfortunate thing, really. It is doubly unfortunate because the lack of community, history, and the general disposition of the populace within the University makes it impossible to even contemplate creating one from scratch. That is not to say there aren't secret societies to which students here belong to, just that there isn't a single one distinct to the college.
It is not so much that I would like to be in one so much as that they factor so much into the mystique of University life in some places that having known of them their absence, secret as though they may have been, is troubling. It's not so much their influence that appeals, as many seem simply to involve archaic rites of brotherhood, it's... I suppose, the mystique that surrounds them that contributes so greatly to what makes great Universities just that.
While perhaps not a major concern amongst a sea of problems... just a thought that I was stuck with earlier today.
Addendum: Anyone interested in collegiate secret societies... uhm... good luck on your research. You may want to look into Cambridge's Apostles, Dartmouth's Sphinx and Yale's Skull & Bones, amongst others, but if you're looking to be getting details, you're on your own there. They're called "secret" societies for a reason.
After a month of epic blog posts, I'm not all too sure what I can say at this point that wouldn't be a rehashing of old thoughts, so I suppose I shall just ramble.
I find myself wanting desperately to believe in an afterlife, just so friends who've left this world might still be with me. I don't deal well with losing people I care about.
I'm feeling particularly useless and listless of late. Part of it a general malaise that just comes with the weather, and part of it is I suppose triggered by increasingly vivid thoughts of death. I had a dream, a long time ago, a prediction of my own death. It was so vivid, and only so shortly after having dreamt a month's events in advance and watching them play out that I so firmly believed it.
Dreams of that sort are plaguing me again.
I never thought I'd live to see 21. Now that I'm here, I'm not in much of a hurry to leave... I've lost some of my dearest and I don't intend for anyone I love to have to feel the same.
Still, I can't imagine that it would be so bad not to have to worry anymore.
Despite an outer appearance of calm and comfort that I generally try to exude, I am an intensely high-strung person. It helps me focus... something I need more and more help with these days as I become jaded to practically everything.
Honestly, nothing that happens to me anymore feels all that bad. I've seen worse, had worse happen to me, or people I've known and watched lives collapse. Things are still disappointing when they don't go my way, but I can't see a worst-case scenario.
Nonetheless, I'm still, as I've said, incredibly high-strung. Perhaps the pressure not to let others down in their expectations of me... something like that. I can't really explain it, because I haven't delved deeply enough into it to analyze it. And I don't intend to.
I am missing childhood memories. I know because people tell me about things that I certainly have no recollection of. Repression is an ugly thing... early sexual experimentation is just part of the problem... many things are trivial... things I did with people I should be able to remember. Birthday parties with photos I just can't place myself in.
It's worrisome. It's not as though my memory does all too well what with all the alcohol and such I flush it out with. And with a familial history of Alzheimers...
I don't want to get old. I can't believe I lived past 20.
I'm going to sleep, I can't handle living with my thoughts anymore. Thoughts I can't even write down, they hurt so much. Night.