In an effort to keep people from being uninformed retards, I bring you the news, in Johann-bias form (I'm including reference links so you can actually get the unbiased information, I'm not claiming any journalistic integrity here, think of it as... an opinion column):
Canada:
With the coming election, the Conservative party under political hack and right-winged bogie-man Steven Harper has hit the Greater Toronto Area, seeking to gather support by promising to reduce crime. Whether not he actually has a plan to do so, besides what has already been done, is a question I certainly can't answer. (Meaning... probably not) If you haven't kept up with election news, Harper is running against left-wing pundit Paul Martin, who was ousted by a vote of no-confidence not all too long ago.
Let's break it down:
You can vote for...
Steven Harper - There's no plan. Honestly, our running line is: Let's kick out those lousy ass liberals and do conservative things. Like... making money. And reversing any progress the last few years. Oh yes, and repeal the same-sex marriage laws and suck Dubya's dick some more. Whee!
or...
Paul Martin - We have plans! Lots of plans! None of them seem to work ever, and we can't manage our finances worth shit. When I got into office there was already scandals about how we mishandled money, so it can't be my fault, even though I was finance minister! But hey, we made it so same-sex couples can marry, and we've tried our best at everything else! But unfortunately I'm not a cool French dude with a crazy accent and balls of steel like Jean Chretien.
or...
Jack Layton - I've been running for office forever. FOREVER. We don't have that many seats, and we have great ideas. How we'll do those things... well, we've got really great plans relying on people being good people and stuff! But it could work! Give us a go!
or...
Gilles Duceppe - If I get elected, Quebec is going to break off from Canada, and we're going to have our own country. Cause we're the French. We're snooty, French, and the rest of you non-French fuckers can fry! But us frogs will get the happy benefits of our many years of experience in socialist politics, so... hey, some of us make off okay!
or...
Green Party/Marijuana Party/Christian/Communist/Marxist-Leninist... go ahead and throw away your vote now.
Toronto Star - Tories kick campaign up a notch in Ontario
The rest of the Americas:
Breaking news - Most gangstas around the world don't know how to properly shoot firearms, including the ones in Central/South America and the United States! No article, I just wanted to point that out. If I had a photo I'd show you what I meant. For now take my word on it.
Real news now...
President G.W. Bush, the son of a rich, moderately successful father (who was also president, by the way!) continues his attempts to convince the American people that the reconstruction of Iraq is making progress. The likelihood of him a Republican candidate being re-elected next term is directly proportional to the average idiocy of the American people. So... his their chances are actually pretty high.
However, while President Bush attempts to appease the dim masses that the war may end soon, thus appeasing them, the other, more intelligent Republicans are attempting to win the hearts and minds of the intelligencia elite of the country by dampening optimism and giving honest opinions on the level of improvement (improvement nonetheless) out of Iraq with their coming parliamentary elections.
The only upside to all this is the fact that the Republicans have spent so much on this war already that they cannot afford to have another one, as shown by their increasing need to placate North Korea, a curious change in stance from their "Axis of Evil" speeches when the war in Iraq seemed as though it would soon end. (Some of us who understand military logistics knew differently, but politicians normally think they know everything)
Venezuelan left-wing rhetorician-politican Hugo Chavez's party/parties allied to him have won all the seats in their parliament following election boycotts by their opposition parties. The Socialist leader, whom some see as a liberator, and other a tyrannical dictator (mostly by the wealthy), has also been invited to join Mercosur, the South American trade bloc. His anti-American politics is expected to cause trouble... but hey, the United States doesn't have the money to afford another war, and they can assassinate anyone without first putting it publically through Congress. So why not?
BBC News - Bush battles for hearts and minds
New York Times - Ambassador Says Elections May Not Lead to Withdrawal
BBC News - Venezuela 'landslide' for Chavez
BBC News - Chavez to sit at Mercosur table
Asia:
In China, people have been shot by the police. This is actually surprising, because they haven't done this (after Tiananmen) in ages. Or at least... not publically. The officer in charge at the time has already, at time of writing, been used as a scapegoat, and likely nothing more is to come of this. The likelihood of more people having been killed than the government has admitted to, however, is very high. Way to control the situation China!
While being important, it's very hard to make fun of such ridculous news... so I shan't.
On the other hand... a Japanese trader has cost his company billions of yen when, by mistyping, he sold 610,000 shares of J-Com for 1 yen rather than 1 share for 610,000 yen. At time of writing, he has probably already commit seppuku for dishonouring his famiry.
Oops.
BBC News - China official held over shooting
BBC News - Tokyo Market admits system error
Middle East:
In more global warming/pollution related news... as if we don't have enough to think about lately... a whole lot of people died/are feeling sick from smog in Tehran. Somehow, unlike Los Angeleans, they have not acclimatized themselves to black skies of death just yet. This is, however, but a symptom of a much larger worldwide problem.
The OIC has declared the majority of mujahid un-Muslim, citing that only those authorized to issue fatwas may do so. While a very huge step in Muslim thought, I think it hilarious when I remember that many of these Muslim leaders are also oil barons.
I think that speaks for itself. Good on them though, someone had to say it.
In Isreal, Sharon, having left the Likud party to form his own centrist Kadima party, is gaining a healthy amount of support. Defence minister Mofaz has joined Sharon in his new Kadima party, weakening the right-winged Likud party even more. Whether this is a move in the right direction remains to be seen.
In Iraq, elections are looming and Saddam's cronies are actually ENCOURAGING Sunni Muslims to vote in the coming election and telling Al-Qaeda fighters to back off for the election. I guess if they lose they'll just start the fighting back up and it'll be like the election never happened! What have they got to lose, really?
BBC News - Hundred treated over Tehran Smog
BBC News - Muslim leaders warn of 'crisis'
BBC News - Mofaz leaves Likud to join Sharon
Aljazeera - Saddam loyalists urge Sunnis to vote
The rest are going to be highlights from the rest of the world, since I have no time. I might get around to expanding this later if I get more studying done.
Aussies are rascist little fucks... no offense to my family in Australia, but... SEE? I fucking TOLD YOU. Source: The Age
Mugabe cracks down on critics... next move: having run out of other enemies, the ants and bees, since they have their own monarchic systems, will be crushed by Mugabe's Orkin men.
To add to our pollution problems... a big fucking oil depot exploded in England, causing widespread damage and forcing residents to flee. Oil prices are somehow not expected to jump.