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October 30, 2005

almosthappy

Re-reading my short stories. I miss writing fiction.

The cool beach air washed over us, bring with it an aroma of life. I held her close, and whispered back in her ear. I whispered my own words of love to her, and reveled in her warmth, taking in the mélange of her moist, fragrant hair. I couldn’t begin to appropriately extol the feeling that welled up right below my heart, pushing into it as if to force the beating organ into my head, bringing me to a delicate and exquisite high. I had a sudden urge to pledge myself to her. I stopped breathing, and I closed my eyes. I could feel her turn her head next to me, wondering at my sudden silence. A tear rolled down my cheek as I made her a promise I had heard in song. “If you die,” I said, “so do I.” The tears welled up yet again.

… I blinked my eyes. Four seconds to live.

Oh yeah. To a friend: I'm almost happy for you. I'm certain I would be, if I were capable of happiness right now.

correspondingshapeslikepuzzlepiecesfromtheclay

I hope this song will guide you home...

I'm missing a party tonight. Ridiculous, for me to miss a party, but schoolwork has to take priority this year...

Even though I don't think I'm getting any work done tonight.

Iron & Wine's cover of Such Great Heights is amazing.

Oh sweet gentle depression. I really haven't missed your embrace at all.

*sighs*

On the upside, I'm back in the SCL loop. Another job, sure, but it's something else I love to do.

Now I just need to find a paying job that's as cool.

"Prove you're hardcore enough."
- Great last words...

October 29, 2005

rip

I give up.

Rest In Peace
Johann Heinrich Kwan
Sept. 1986 - End of time.

curryword

Last night's curry night worked out well. I had Kate, Dave, Chelsea, and Janet over.

There wasn't much left for me to use as leftovers, which is good. I'm glad they liked it.

My mouth is sooo dry. Stupid just waking up...

Meeting Chris tomorrow. Worked with him for what, five years, and never actually got to meet him?

This is cool.

In other news I have wanted desperately to get my hands floating over a keyboard again sometime soon. I just want to play Mozart for a full day with no one to listen in.

t3hs3x

Defined as:
Gary Oldman
Jean Reno
Willem Dafoe
Christopher Walken
Alan Rickman
Morrissey
John Lennon
George Harrison

...

YOU.

October 28, 2005

somethingglorious

Something glorious about Mozart.

I don't know... it's just fucking glorious. The goth part of me still imagines what my death will be like near daily.

I don't know what it'll be like yet. Who ever really does?

But I damned well am sure I want his Requiem played at my funeral.

sleeplessknights

I'm in one of those funks again, probably not the best time, since people are coming over for some curry soon.

Lots of essays to do, jesus fucking christ.

In any case... a friend of mine seems distant lately. And I'm afraid it's my fault. Especially since I've been dumb lately.

Dammit, I hate girls. And boys. And life.

And mostly, me.

Cheers.

rubberducky

Pink Floyd + candles + bath = the best.

hothotcatsup

Ketchup and hotsauce are the best things to mix ever.

Especially when you're feasting on McCain's fries and sipping away at Grolsch. =D

Sipping being a very conservative term for the extreme slacking I'm doing.

Everyone needs to go play Civilization 4 so they have as little of a life as I do right about now. =)

Making curry tomorrow... should be good. I gotta call people and invite them over at some point.

Listening to Elliott Brood. They're fucking awesome. I'm kinda sad I didn't get to see them live with Tim and Janet.

Back to my beer.

October 27, 2005

shijeebus

To everyone who I haven't been able to talk to lately, sorry! I'm totally busy as hell.

Lots of essays. Give me a call if you want to talk and I'll spare some time... I'm stressed to hell, talking would be nice.

Evident of my stress is a little incident that happened today after I brought home a bag of rice:

rice.jpg
Your rice a splode!!!

I think it speaks for itself.

October 25, 2005

nineteenandaging

I feel sick to my stomach... quite literally. Stressed to hell from my all-nighter and my stomach acids are feeling like they're burning a hole inside of me.

Soon as I got home I downed three bottles of spring water.

It's helped a lot.

I think I just need sleep. There was a time when I could go near a week without sleep.

I'm only nineteen and I'm getting old. Shit.

nappyhappy

I napped. Now I have the energy to finish my essay's conclusion... and I'm no longer so tired that the entire screen is but a blur.

Today is the funeral of my friend's loved one. My best to him and his family.

Also: Rosa Parks passed away.

Back to work.

blehworkbleh

It shouldn't surprise that I haven't started the essay.

However, I read Titus Andronicus and finished the quiz quite quickly... and now I'm sitting quite happily in celebration with a hunk of Stilton and my second cup of java.

Stilton is one of the few blessings to come out of Britain.

The other blessings include Arsenal, the English football team, a bunch of good beers, a bunch of amazing bands, and fish and chips. I might have missed one or two, but that might be about it.

Then again, that's more than I can say for most other countries.

I guess people just don't ever have all that much to offer.

Back to work and my cheese. Mmmm... cheese.

October 24, 2005

makeovermakeover

It seems that tonight may well bring my first all-nighter of the year. A saddening prospect, since i promised myself I would be better at getting work done this year.

Nonetheless, I have a hot cup of java on my desk and a quiz to take, then an essay to write.

It's about now that I want a smoke badly, despite that I have quit for some time now and will continue to hold to that vow. It just really helps calm oneself during a stressful amount of work.

In any case, I shouldn't be writing on the blog. I've got work to do. Ciao.

canibbqoverhere

MoCo Loco has to be one of my favourite blogs ever.

loewevonappen_pizzoni_barbe.jpg

They found a German-made portable barbe...

That... is awesome. I really miss having a grill, you know, since I'm living in an apartment now and all. I could put that on my balcony and just grill steaks whenever I want.

I could really go for that.

glorification

I'm thinking that our time has a severe lack of heroes.

The last time any one person was singled out as any sort of hero, it was that girl who was captured a while back...

And that was beaten down.

The only sort of person that the media has encouraged looking up to as of late are politicians. It's a sort of worship that reminds me of Stalin. Or 1984's Big Brother, whichever you may be more familiar with.

Speaking of Stalin...

I was thinking about Vassili Zaitsev and Henry Norwest the other day, which is what really started the thought about heroes once again.

It's something I think about every so often. I think the last time I ranted about it properly though was when Ray Holmes died in June.

Of course, Zaitsev lived to become a national hero of Russia, propelling them towards victory.

Whereas Henry Norwest died unnoticed by most except military historians.

Of course, not that modern Canadians would uphold a French-Cree sniper, even one whose abilities aided in our capture of Vimy Ridge... as a national hero.

A shame, really. We've become so polarized that we've begun to view extreme political philosophies as the only reasonable choices.

But I confess to a certain degree of centrism.

The lack of heroes seems to me, on one hand, a shift towards some sort of communal society. That's a good thing.

The focus of attention elsewheres and the lack of human ability to find drive without a precedent of success leads me to believe that by communal society... I mean a surrender of power by the many to the few with ambition. In essence, a fascist state.

That, obviously, is a bad thing.

These thoughts depress me just about as much as thoughts earlier during the day have... but at least they don't really concern my own life.

What do I know? I'd like to be wrong sometime. Honestly, I would.

I wouldn't have to watch planes collide with buildings and thousands of people dying, or read about the thousands starved to death because of ill-planned invasions and bombed out roads if I was wrong at least a few times.

That would be nice.

In other news: Meet the white-supremacist pop-star twins! Appealing to pedophiles and impressionable young white kids everywhere!

October 23, 2005

cryingofallsorts

I will put forth a hypothesis...

There are two types of crying.

Conor Oberst crying... which is whiney, emo-child crying that... is just there because one needs a good cry every so often.

And Morrissey crying. Which is real crying.

I am not actually crying right now, because certain events have killed my display of emotions so much that I can never squeeze out more than a drop or two...

Even if all that was dear to me were to disappear.

But my inner-child... that part of me that still actually has life... actually swims around dejectedly, controlling my subconscious when my hard, torn self and all the mirror images of my life I live... all the debaucherous figures I pretend to be and live the lives of sit so unabashed on the surface...

It has moved on during the course of the day from Conor to Morrissey.


"So what you are saying is that you're a horrible person, but at least you can admit it?"
"No. I'm saying that I'm a good person, but I refuse to live it."
"Why not?"
"It tends to hurt, and bring up old bullshit."
"It does. But if you are in one of those emo type moods, it is probably best to not dig up old wounds."
"Probably. And since I'm almost always in an emo mood, I never live my own life."

I wonder when this absurd fairy tale will end.

I want some Fela Kuti.

comingsoon

Click.

flyingandwritinganddying

I'm still in my depressed little world... it's been a journey. Nostalgia has been hitting me at all the right moments, and I keep going back to the little things in the past that brought me joy.

And all the little things that brought me pain.

That's what they are, after all. Little things... my life is not nearly so important for me to say any of the things that have built my emotional make-up are anything more than little.

But nonetheless, they're there, and they happened.

I've been reading posts I wrote back on Healthy Frowns back in 2002. It seems to me that I wrote better then than I do now.

I suppose I wrote better when I started this blog... and had far more dedication, if I didn't feel like looking that far back.

But I do.

I'm praying that this self-hate and absolute disgust for everything in my own life that has sprung up on me once again rekindles my passion for writing absolutely depressing shit that people somehow enjoy reading.

I justify my life through the happiness of others.

Perhaps that's not the way to see the world. It certainly was how I once lived. Until things happened and my world turned upside down.

I don't know if I do anymore.

Honestly, it may have been over a year now... but I don't know what I'm doing in life anymore. Or what I care about. I don't know if I have any values left.

Can you help me, mister policeman? I've been robbed of my sanity by your fellows.

Please give it back to me.

passingaway

I'm in one of my moods.

Got some sad news about a friend... my condolences to those involved.

My own life is spiraling once again into another one of its holes. I should probably do my work rather than worrying about life...

But I have no energy or desire to work.

Conor is keeping me alive.

Met someone new the other day downtown. She liked my hair. I didn't get her number.

For some odd reason I didn't want it.

Kick me in the face, dearest friend. I need to wake up.

beallthatyoucanbe

My head keeps making stupid stupid decisions.

I dreamt I joined the reserves last night. I don't know why.

It's something I wheel around as a possibility every once in a while, then shoot down quite emphatically.

Maybe part of me wants to sign up. For duty and honour and all that.

That part of me should go away.

It's not that I mind dying.

It's that I mind dying for a dumb reason like sitting around in a shithole in Afghanistan because of the whims of a foreign nation, waiting around to be shot.

October 22, 2005

circumstantialcircumcision

Some of the first years beat the Humanities emo club (us) to a Bright Eyes cover last night.

I'm pretty emo right now... listening to Bright Eyes and just being... me.

In any case, I haven't been home since yesterday. I feel kinda gross, I've been eating fast food all day... but nowhere near as bad as Rainsberry.

5 Filet'o'Fishes and 10 nuggets, just because his manhood would've been attacked and jibed at by Jared otherwise.

Impressive sight... impressively disgusting. It was awesome.

Time to go cry and such.

By the way, the whole situation with Jack Thompson deserves a good rant because he's an asshole, but he's such a child it doesn't seem worth my time.

October 19, 2005

musesandruses

I got worked up about something among some friends that turned out to be a ruse.

(Un)fortunately... I wrote a lot about it. About 719 words.

I get paid to do articles that long. =)

I won't post it, since it was a ruse, after all... but it really got my blogjuice working again.

Hopefully the juice sticks around.

In any case... thoughts on the Saddam trial thus far... it would appear that he is using the same tactic that he counted upon in the first Gulf War... maintaining an appearance of victory no matter what.

Hmm.

I don't think that'll work in a court.

newgoalsinlife

So one of my goals in life was to bike down the entirety of Yonge Street. Or at least from my house in King City to downtown.

Still haven't done it, but I will sometime.

I found a new goal to place over that.

The Trans-Canada Trail

It's slated for completion in 2010. I should take a summer off and bike it.

I think I may need more than just a summer though.

October 18, 2005

excitedlikeapuppy

Firstly, I want to say I'm the best slacker ever.

Doing an essay in the hours before it's due and turning out a good product... well... I'm happy to have that skill.

Going to get a pint during class, since it's another Platonic dialogue and it's got a heavily annoying Political Science bent... extra awesome.

Saddam's trial being tomorrow...

Well, damn, I'm excited like a goddamn puppy.

Let's see how this goes.

It's kind of sad I get excited about these things. But... I guess no one ever lets go of the great game all that easily.

October 17, 2005

andtheskiesboiled

My dreams provided me with the most beautiful sunset I've ever before seen... the sky was vividly purple, an orange sun falling low as red streaks of clouds boiled, the beginnings of a storm over the sea.

I shared it with someone in that dream...

I only wish I could actually share it with anyone. It was absolutely beautiful...

As to my other thoughts... someone recently asked me what my fetishes were. I really didn't know how to answer... but then, I suppose if you really want to find out...


Well... come find out for yourself. =)

October 16, 2005

mothernaturesabitch

So I spent a good half-hour with my head on the wall, watching leaves blowing around on campus, and not wanting to bike home... waiting for a lull in the wind.

Thought about biking to someone's house to hide... which is much closer to school than my own... but she was busy.

The leaves stopped moving for a while, so I thought it was okay to go home...

Oops.

Biking against the wind is stupid. Especially in a trenchcoat that acts as a parachute more than anything else.

My hands are slowly resuscitating themselves from intense numbness.

At least I came home to Modest Mouse.

I am in need of intense snuggling.

By the way: Oh em gee... a digital Gibson Les Paul

blehdom

I cut my foot up badly on the basement floor last night.

Way to go me.

I find my life is getting less and less interesting by the second. Could be the fact that I'm frequently sober nowadays.

Or maybe I'm just seeing things improperly. After all, I did get to hang out with a band I was supposed to be interviewing just a little bit ago.

Bright Eyes is not good for my sanity.

Time to bring the tape to the office.

October 15, 2005

liquorfromhell

Liquor Snob finally Reviewed Screech.

I pity them immensely.

unprofessionalism

That was slightly unprofessional of me.

All in all though the interview went quite well in my opinion. I've got some things in my head the recorder might not have caught.

Whee.

October 14, 2005

walkenforpres

WalkenSexy.jpg WalkenForPres.jpg

Christopher Walken for President in 2008

Holy moses.

I would vote for him. I mean... it's CHRISTOPHER WALKEN fo' christ's sakes.

That's so friggin cool.

In other news... as I was spreading the word:

[21:14:48] Mike Rainsberry: Maybe he'd go crazy and shoot people
[21:16:05] Don't Play With Guns: maybe
[21:16:08] Don't Play With Guns: but that was be AWESOME
[21:17:27] Mike Rainsberry: that was the best typo ever
[21:17:49] Don't Play With Guns: hahaha, thanks
[21:17:57] Don't Play With Guns: oh man my head is so not screwed on properly
[21:18:00] Don't Play With Guns: silly drugs.

(Addendum: Tis' a hoax. Shame though, I would vote for him.)

October 13, 2005

howtowaltz

waltzing;

a silent partner of air

a floor of clouds

flat far too small

collide with four-

legged beast

dancing toy soldier

falls.

whee.

anythinggoes

Listening to The Cole Porter Songbook sung by Ella Fitzgerald.

In any case, keeping an eye on the Russia situation right now, and listening to music.

You can find my playlist here, as I've said many a time before. I've recently updated it.

Sorry, but there won't be anything extensive posted for now. I cleaned my apartment yesterday, and I've got a lot of reading to catch up on.

I've got an interview with a band tomorrow for the Charlatan... I'm a little nervous, I've never done a face-to-face interview.

October 12, 2005

ipodsex

Before I go to bed, I'd first like to apologize for the short lengths of posts lately. No real time to write my thoughts down.

With that over with... I'd like to point out for you fashion whores and audiophiles out there that the new 5th generation iPod is out... and it's ridiculously hot.

newipod.gif

Dig it. I want one... I might get one for XMas... that or the Cowon iAudio X5... we'll see. I need a new MP3 player.

Also... on this dayin 1978: The whole Sid and Nancy thing.

shootyshootybangbangdead

Syrian IM 'commits suicide'

I should hit up my sources and find out more about this, but I find myself a little apathetic right now.

Maybe tomorrow.

In any case, there you go. Even the BBC is skeptical.

torturespellsrelief

Take a look-see.

*sighs*

Not that I'm surprised or anything, because if anything this is probably the least surprising thing I've heard in a while...

It is interesting, however, to see people continually come forward about this sort of thing and see nothing done.

Sure, torture is an age-old method of information extraction. Yeah, sometimes I don't feel so bad if I hear about someone getting tortured. Some people are dicks that deserve nothing less.

Doesn't make it right to sink to that level.

Widespread use of torture... for fun... no less, and on people that are innocent... or are likely to just as easily yield information by other means...

Well, that just plain sucks.

(Edit: Oh yes... I found something cool at DefenseTech about French Navy food here.)

October 11, 2005

knifeyspooney

So many things running through my head... I'm tempted to take a knife and plunge it into my thoughts, stopping my head in its tracks.

I can't pin down a single thought at all tonight...

If I weren't so tired I'd be trying to write another story. Just that kind of mood tonight.

October 10, 2005

vetopowersaresilly


Dubya... Tee... Eff?

Who in the right mind would VETO anti-torture legislation?

sidenotes

I forgot to mention a few things about the trip that I should write down before I forget:

A) Tev is a spaz. Never depend on her to be on time. But you gotta love the girl nonetheless.

B) Creepy dancing homeless guys can get pretty dirty. And may have skin infections. They will dance with any girls in the immediate area.

C) Creepy dancing homeless guys are often dancing to awesome street performers. Street performers that may or may not be playing Guantanamera... one of the best songs to ever be in existence. Dancing despite your better judgement is perfectly fine.

In any case, I'm back in O-town. Apartment is bloody freezing, but I'm alright... quite comfortable bundled up in fleece. I wonder when the landlady will turn on the heaters around the place.

wetness

Such an ambiguous title.

In any case, it's not really anything dirty. I just got out of the pool not long ago, swimming with Shannon and Janet before we leave my parents' tomorrow noonish.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Mozart's Requiem when I am home... it is somewhat depressing. But... oh so beautiful.

Somewhat disappointed that I will always be a prodcut of my parents. Many of their faults that I myself am annoyed by are equally found in myself or even intensified.

Just an off thought.

Saw Steph today... it was really nice seeing her again... and not being awkward about it.

A lack of awkwardness is key.

Though seeing her mum again was somewhat odd, and stiffly formal, with subtle overtones I don't care to try and figure out right about now. Far too tired to even think about it.

I have a lingering suspicion that Thanksgiving is meant to be there for us to store up winter fat. Not that I can get fat.

I'm very tired. If I can figure out how to transfer images from my little brother's celly I'll have pictures to show sooner or later.

October 09, 2005

reaffirmations

I once said on the first blog I ever wrote for, Healthy Frowns, that Lennon's birthday was a day on which I reaffirmed annually my faith in humanity.

It's that time of year again.

It's difficult, persay, to reaffirm one's faith in a simpering sack of nutbags... (that's you and I) but it is far from being impossible.

It's been a good weekend thus far... been hanging out in T-dot with Ottawa friends, oddly enough. It's been a great time. Lots of good food...

It's all good.

Been going to sleep lately listening to Wilco... I broke my headphones in my car door so my iPod's in my room plugged into a pair of speakers.

Why Wilco?

Hmm. =)

October 06, 2005

thanksgiving

Those of you who aren't Canadian may not know that this coming Monday is Thanksgiving.

As such, I will be on a brief vacation to visit my family.

Not that this makes much of a difference, as I've gone for several days without posting before, but I felt it my duty to inform that there may be no new posts for the next few days, unless I have nothing else to do while I'm home.

I'll be back Monday or Tuesday night.

Yo soy un hombre sincero de donde crecen las palmas.

October 05, 2005

youaremyarsenal

So I went and got Fifa '06 for PC, just to take Arsenal to the end and get the FA Cup. Going well, since I just kicked the shins out from under Manchester United, suckers.

It's a shame I never played footie all that well, and even more a shame that Seth stopped playing footie for frisbee... that boy was a king on the field.

I found another reason to lose respect for Dave, mainly cause he's a Man U fan. Ewww... Man U. Sure they've got Rooney, but isn't one of their owners a bloody Yank?

How can someone possibly like Man U? They're the largest sports franchise in the world, and they're just bloody built on money...

*sigh* Well then again... Currie's kinda silly like that.

In other footie news, I found out Prof. Beer's team is Chelsea. Since he hails from the area I don't have any need to kick him in the shins. Plus it's Josh Beer, I really wouldn't want to kick him in the shins ever.

Back to listening to music and trying to get readings done. Current listening is a CD Kelly lent me, Suzanne de Bussac's 'The Valley of Baca'... it's really good.

October 03, 2005

thumperthebunny

It's all about music, and I think everyone's starting to realize it.

Maybe not so much Motorola, what with their piddly music storage spaces and their artificial song limiting in their new iTunes capable phones, but Oakley sure as hell is getting it.

Thump2.jpg

The Thump 2... nice shades... nice shades that play music.

I'm already diggin the idea. It'd be awesome for biking, or just looking like I'm paying attention at functions rather than just catching my few hours of shuteye. It's not exactly the prettiest thing ever though...

And the price is a little rich for my blood. Oakleys always have been. I might as well just buy a Cowon iAudio X5 and a decent pair of earphones (I prefer headphones, but one cannot wear headphones and a bike helmet, after all), and clipons for my glasses.

Still, a fancy idea.

Found this over at iLounge.

magicalmistermisstofelees

Talk about a good hit of adrenaline...

I went to class today fully intending to be nice and early, when I realized I had left the hosue without a bike lock.

Oops.

So I called Justin, who wasn't home... I normally stash my bike at his place on residence if I ever do just this... if I don't feel like stashing it in some weird place in some bushes at an incessable part of a building (which I didn't today).

I ended up biking for 10 minutes around campus dialing people's numbers on my cell, at least those whom I'm familiar with who don't have that class. As no one was free, I really was lost on what I was going to do.

So I decided to go for a bike ride. I found myself on the canal eventually and biked down to the locks, then down the Ottawa River... it's gorgeous out there, especially when the sun is setting.

There's a neat island out there with nice small fields and a great view, but I didn't stay. There were two bikes off through some bushes and two people lying there in the grass, so I figured I might as well give them some privacy. I'd like the same done for me if I were in their shoes, after all.

I biked up and down through downtown for fun... rush hour being... not very rushed at all here in Ottawa. I did, however, see a girl driving a riced Honda Civic, which is something you don't see every day.

I'm probably a little filthier than usual what with all the car exhaust downtown though.

So here I am, an hour and a half after I originally set out. Quite happy, and quite fulfilled. I have to do this more often... I think I'll take my camera down to the river soon as the trees start changing colours.

Now for a shower.

October 02, 2005

peoplearedumb

If I tell you that you are in no position to give your opinion on something in which you have no experience in and relies on a mis-definition, I'm not insulting you.

I'm stating fact. I'm informing you of your ignorance.

You don't have any right to speak. So shove it.

It's terribly hypocritical and ignorant, especially if you're one who has made the same point before when I'm misinformed.

Not that I like to speak of things I have no knowledge of ever. I don't put my nose where it doesn't belong.

I'm not angry. Just a little steamed that a good friend would be such a fucking hypocrite over and over again and not realize it, playing the anger/pity/guilt card, which never really works on me. I just get peeved when people try to play me like some bloody marionnette with my emotions.

Meine mutter has a saying for this: Only people who care about you will bother to correct you when you're being dumb.

Time to do the dishes. Out.

October 01, 2005

terrorerror

I went to a guest lecture on terrorism today.

I'm amazed how BASIC academics can get.

Then again, I've been studying the subject since I was 10... 9 years of study lends to a brand of elitism and a little bit too much knowledge, I suppose.