Merkavah - Drive the Lord's SUV!

Right now, I hate myself. I hate myself so very much. I don't understand it.

My life is a fucking series of mistakes, one after another. I keep coming back to them and doing it all over again... fuck.

Blasting out my mind with Cursive right now. Seemed the best option. Been thinking a lot about death lately. People who've died, what I'd do if I knew I was going to die.

I honestly can't think about it without my heart clenching into a ball, thinking about the people I've loved, the things I've done, the many debts that remain unpaid... I owe so much to so many people for their love...

Ah, love. Been thinking a lot about that too. The person I was just months ago would be kicking me for thinking this way, believing that I'm ready for a relationship again. Ready to have my heart broken again. Ready to break hearts again.

I'm wracking my body with this shitty cough. I refuse to take cough medicine... the pain and suck distracts me from my silly thoughts.

I really wish I could stop loving, but maybe that's the curse of being human. Allie (my not-so-related-at-all big sis) once told me that I'd 'make a girl really happy someday.' I guess I just want to do that one of these days. I think I've wanted to for some time.

I don't think I ever have. As the song goes, "I'd been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie..."

I must depart. I have e-mails to write.