Merkavah - Drive the Lord's SUV!

We legalized gay marriage. Not just Ontario, the country as a whole...

w00t!

Posted by Johann Kwan at 05:05 AM | Permalink

Now I remember why I drink so much... so I can sleep, without guilt, without pain, without the memories of heartbreaks playing themselves over and over again in my head.

Even the good bits have turned to sour regret.

I'm about to collapse on my knees, but nothing lets me just cry it out.

I can't cry.

This is worse than being emo. This is just killing me.

If I were any weaker I would be considering the unthinkable.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 07:09 AM | Permalink

Summer's catching up to me, and I really don't have all that much time to blog. I really wish I did, cause I want to finish the Bonnaroo Report, but we'll see how things go.

I leave you with one last thought...

If I could change my horrible, disasterous past, right the wrongs that I have done, or have been done to me...

I don't know that I would.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 05:51 AM | Permalink

Why is this so familiar?

Posted by Johann Kwan at 02:07 AM | Permalink

I must confess that I am but a lanky child whose alcoholic tendencies tackle the winds of my sanity... the sails of a ship half keeled into the sea.

I have spent... nay, wasted... the majority of this vacation in solitude, seeking some inner peace which I am no convinced does not exist within the flesh bound within these four walls, and only when my godless figure is clearly and effevescently inebriated... (effevescently inebriated?) does my turmoil ring true with a demented reasoning.

Then of course, I forget it in the morning as well as whose pale body I had just lied beside the night before and the night before that and I think I have to

Stop. I become, for small instances, the very model of sobriety for those flagrantly beautiful souls inflicted with my condition and I lose what sanity I had left, sinking back into this self-loathing quiet self whose only saviour is thebeating heart of parties that no longer remember my name...

Or do they? This ridiculous stick figure drawn by an infant that would so much more be appropriate drawn with a skirt (had I not the problem of genitalia hanging so flagrantly between my legs) is called by a name to some so contemptible as 'attractive.'

And then I wonder whether if isn't more insane to be as sober as I am now, writing this, in a world where a body such as this could possibly be called attractive... at least in an alcoholic stupor I cannot remember that such words were ever uttered... and it begs of me the realization once again that my sanity is worth a much higher price than my memory.

Dearest lover,
I love you more than life itself...

Remembering those idyllic redundant phrases, stupid little nothings whispered into deaf ears. Why hear when one can feel? And when what is to be felt is the very extremeties of heaven and hell what little matter are these whispers?

Monkeys fetch me now to sleep. To dream, to remember more that I had so purposely tried to lose.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 02:06 AM | Permalink

Checked my blogstats for the first time in a long while...

10262 hits since the blogs beginning.

Thanks for reading guys. I'll post the end of the Bonnaroo Report soon, been busy writing an article for the Charlatan.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 01:03 PM | Permalink

Right now, I hate myself. I hate myself so very much. I don't understand it.

My life is a fucking series of mistakes, one after another. I keep coming back to them and doing it all over again... fuck.

Blasting out my mind with Cursive right now. Seemed the best option. Been thinking a lot about death lately. People who've died, what I'd do if I knew I was going to die.

I honestly can't think about it without my heart clenching into a ball, thinking about the people I've loved, the things I've done, the many debts that remain unpaid... I owe so much to so many people for their love...

Ah, love. Been thinking a lot about that too. The person I was just months ago would be kicking me for thinking this way, believing that I'm ready for a relationship again. Ready to have my heart broken again. Ready to break hearts again.

I'm wracking my body with this shitty cough. I refuse to take cough medicine... the pain and suck distracts me from my silly thoughts.

I really wish I could stop loving, but maybe that's the curse of being human. Allie (my not-so-related-at-all big sis) once told me that I'd 'make a girl really happy someday.' I guess I just want to do that one of these days. I think I've wanted to for some time.

I don't think I ever have. As the song goes, "I'd been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie..."

I must depart. I have e-mails to write.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 02:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Short post, since I'm going to bed. Sorry bout it all...

I'm pretty excited for Live 8. My old-worldness is playing up with the 'pretty excited'... it will be fucking amazing.

Relevant links:
Live 8 Live - Official Site.
Live 8 Toronto - Unofficial source for news on Live 8 Toronto and where it's going to be.
Make Poverty History Canada - I'm going to get a bunch of white bands for people round these parts, you really should too.

P.S. Anyone else think that Pink Floyd regrouping to play at Live 8 is fucking cool?

Posted by Johann Kwan at 01:42 AM | Permalink

Sorry bout hte short posts lately, I've been really sick. Sorted out some more of my unsorted music today, ramping up my sorted music to somewhere around 70 Gigs...

Click here if you want to check out my playlist. I only burn mix CDs for people I like. If you suspect I like you, ask for one, and you'll find out.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 11:33 PM | Permalink

I really liked The Triplets of Belleville.

I invite you all to now fuck with my head.

The rest of the Bonnaroo Report coming soon.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 02:14 AM | Permalink

I really don't know where to begin. Bonnaroo was an amazing trip I really won't ever forget... and there's just so bloody much I could write about. I think I might spare you all the whole sha-bang and skip straight to the first full day... after all, the drive there was (while eventful) only funny to us. Besides a tank on the road, several signs proclaiming that "HELL IS REAL", and a crazy country music festival at Nashville... all else won't be all too interesting for the rest of you.

I apologize in advance, I'm pretty tired so it will not be well written. If you want, just look at the pretty pictures. They make more sense.

So, this post will be about the first day. I'd slept early the night before, so I woke up rather early in the back of the van, our home for the next three nights, not including the one I had just slept away.

Our home for the week, a van and a small tent

We went to explore the area some, given the incredulously early hour at which we were up. It was pretty hot, with the sun shining pretty heavily (if only I knew to appreciate it then!), so we ended up spending much of the time after we'd done exploring the myriad of awesome shops, enviromental awareness stalls, and activity tents under the shade of a tree. There were a few awesome things to note: A glassblower showing off his trade, an adobe hut, people doing yoga in the morning, little kids at Bonnaroo, guys sitting on a treestump... and...

Lots and lots of hippies!

Glass is totally awesome. Glass & fire... well... whee!

Emily under the tree.

I love hippies. =)

Before the shows we went back to the van for a while, but not before getting some lunch. I had alligator for the first time ever.

Yours truly chowin on gator.

There was this awesome school bus some guys and gals had built upon and were using as their mobile home for the week. It was impressive...

The blue bus. It was an awesome sight to behold every time I walked between the stages/Centeroo to the van.

We split up for the shows... Emily wanted to see Alison Kraus and Union Station (and get in the pile-up that was outside of that stage), and I wanted to catch Joanna Newsom before I hit the last half-hour of Alison Kraus. The upside was... I also got to see Josh Ritter. I only took one half-assed picture (which really didn't turn out well) of Josh Ritter... so there will be none of that. Joanna Newsom was really shy and cute as a button. Great show.

Joanna Newsom tuning her harp.

Using her amazing voice to start the show.

I did manage to catch the last half-hour of Alison Kraus and Union Station, though I really couldn't see the stage from the way it was totally packed. Wasn't worth being impolite and shoving to the front for 30 minutes of Alison Kraus, so I enjoyed it from afar, lying in the sun.

Lots of people at Alison Kraus

I skipped off for a bit and met Emily back at the van after Alison Kraus, and at 5:30 we went and saw The Allman Brothers Band. If you thought the above picture looked packed... despite the rain, EVERYONE went to see The Allman Brothers play.

Packed!

We managed to get pretty damned close, given our relatively late arrival to the show. They were awesome... and we met a guy from Edmonton named Dan out there. After that, we hit up the van again, before Emily head off to Dave Matthews Band. As I've said, I'm no big fan of Dave Matthews, so I took the time to grab a nap. I woke up minutes before Saul Williams started, though, so I got there as fast as I could. Saul Williams was amazing... there's a beautiful irony in a tentful of white guys (well, majority of them, anyway) listening to a black spoken word artist speak about how they've been oppressing the black people for so long... in Tennessee, no less. Much cheering. Also some fidgeting from select members of the crowd... heh.

Mars Volta was on after Saul, so most everyone stayed. I got pretty close, and this is one show where I wish I didn't have my camera. It was too dark to make good use of it, but with it I couldn't really let all the dance out. It was, however, still a fucking awesome show.

Went to bed exhausted after Mars Volta...

I'll leave the Jenny Lewis pic (which is on the next day) up until I have that day covered. Night all, I'm tired as hell.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 12:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Take a gander here.

You don't know how much I've feared this sort of thing since it first hit me (quite hard) that the police can pretty much do whatever they want with whatever you say in your blog. Of course, most of the time I'm afraid I'll do something stupid, criminal, and it'll come back and haunt me, all the stuff I've said innocently, or times I've expressed my distaste of things, and taken out of context, twisted against me.

Then I read this sort of thing and realize... damn, it happens even when you're not really guilty of anything.

Way to go, freedom of speech.

After having spent a week down in the States, I can truely say that it would really scare me to live there again. Now that my eyes are open to what freedom truely is once more, I really don't want to give it up for an insane nation that follows whatever they're told like blind sheep.

That goes for the American left, too, and their disappointing "I'm too hip to be really into politics and actually care about things when shit hits the fan..." which I think the last election proved quite effectively.

I couldn't possibly count off the amount of ways America scares me. The blind patriotism, the convoluted contradictions between their current state of affairs and their historical sentiments... it bloody scares me.

Poor dude.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 11:33 PM | Permalink

Want to read a pile of bullshit? CLICK HERE.

All I've got to say is... WHAT THE FUCK!? Fucking Americans are so fucking paranoid that a kid with some magnesium thermite, a CANADIAN, at that, gets arrested for maybe being a terrorist threat?

WHAT THE FUCK!? What, so maybe if I still lived in the States I could be arrested?

How blind and paranoid can people get? What the hell?

I'm going to go and stop reading the news now, clean out the car, and be very pissed off.

You know what I think? I think Travis Biehn is an angsty guy living in the States, who hates it there. I think he's a bit angsty, sure. Whether he's capable of blowing up the school with a bit of magnesium thermite... hah, NO. I think people are paranoid and stupid, like people pointing fingers at me after 9/11 back in NY. And that makes me very upset. I'm seething pissed right now.

"americans can blow me. fine if they want to drive all the smart canadian kids out of the country. more for us." - Emily

Posted by Johann Kwan at 01:04 PM | Permalink

I drove 1500+ kilometres today. Straight from Bonnaroo in Manchester, Tennessee, back to Toronto. Wouldn't have been able to do it without Emily being a passenger and keeping me entertained and awake... and doing all the navigation, drink shuffling, and all that. Shame she's sick, poor girl. =(

1500 km. That's like... 930 (approx.) miles in one day, for those of you who still use the uncivilized imperial measurements.

I'll post a full Bonnaroo report when I'm sane again. Love you all.

BONNAROOOOOO!

Posted by Johann Kwan at 02:00 AM | Permalink

Bonnaroo status report: HERE AND ALIVE, SECOND FULL DAY AT BONNAROO!

Right now I can't really decide what the best show I've seen this week has been. After all, it's all been absolutely gorgeous...

Except the weather, which is currently a miserable little dribble. I believe there's a storm front (which we drove through on the way here) sweeping through, and it's my hope it clears up tomorrow, cause today is already rushing through my fingers. It really blows, I'll have you all know... but there are more unpleasant alternatives... tropical-like sweltering heat, for example. At least I stay cool this way.

My highlights, thus far, are... in chronological order:
The Drive
Crossing the border just fine
Columbus, OH, and trying to find a restaurant.
Sleeping south of Cincinnati
Seeing a tank on the road towed by truck
Big big storm
Waving at Ontario drivers
Nashville, big country music fest... ate at the only empty non-country place, a little jazz coffee pub. Was awesome!
Cowboy hat shopping... very very hot!
Driving around a lot near Bonnaroo to find a good entry point
Arrival at Bonnaroo - 1500 KM+ from TORONTO!
Parking le car and setting up the tent...
Exploring Centeroo, and eating Alligator!
Sleeping in the van
FIRST FULL DAY, GREAT SHOWS!
Wake up early, go to Centeroo, sit in shade, have over-big lunch. =)
Line up with Emily for Alison Krauss and Union Station
Leaving line to go to Josh Ritter (alone now) and Joanna Newsom... Joanna Newsom was soooo awesome. Girl next to me requested (and got) Inflammatory Writ.
Got to listen to the last half hour of Alison Kraus
Went back to van, then went back to the stage for the Allman Brothers band, and did a lot of slipping through the crowd
Met a dude from Edmonton named Dan at Allman brothers... HUGE CROWD!
Left, then went back to car, while Emily went to Dave Matthews Band. Even though I don't like Dave Matthews much I hear from multiple sources they put down a good show.
Emily came back from DMB while I was on the way to see Saul Williams and The Mars Volta, both were fucking AMAZING. Mars Volta just kept goinnng... was delicious. Got my dancing fill in.
Went to bed tired as hell, legs hurting. =D
TODAY! SECOND FULL DAY!
Woke up early, had some guac and foods. Felt sick in the stomach, but eventually cured up. Went to catch the rest of 22-20s (giving up The Frames and Tea Leaf Green in the progress), then staying at that stage for Kings of Leon, which rocked pretty hard... saw Dan again with a friend, Katie. Met some other people, and bumped into the girl (and guy) next to me at Joanna Newsom, then skipped off to Rilo Kiley.
Jenny Lewis is as beautiful as I remembered... more, perhaps. They put on an amazing show, and now here I am! I've filled both my photo cards, and now I can't take any more photos! =(

*PHEW!*/

Anyway, I must departeth for more of the awesome. Iron & Wine starting soon! BONNAROOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Posted by Johann Kwan at 06:28 PM | Permalink

Gone for a bit starting Wednesday... I'll probably be back the next Tuesday, if driving conditions are alright.

Cheers!

Posted by Johann Kwan at 02:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So... Justine Henin-Hardenne won the womens' French Open championships. No surprise, but it was a pretty brutal set.

I don't know why, but my body's stressed like hell, getting mad pimples. Ugh. I hate pimples.

Time to go watch more movies. I'm building plots in my head... that's it...

Posted by Johann Kwan at 10:40 AM | Permalink

Plot's going places, but I'm finding myself really unsatisfied with the artwork for the first few strips. Not that I've got any choice now, I'm not going to go back and redo a ton of work when this is pretty much a personal project... but I don't like the feeling of not being happy with these strips. Being new to detailed inking, I guess it makes sense my first few tries would suck ass.

Anyway, tired, tired, tired... but I'm not going to let myself sleep. I have to stay up and fix my sleeping schedule if I am to drive the 14 hours to Bonnaroo.

14 hours, yiii. Need to call Emily with the plan, splitting it into two days will save me from taking stupid risks. I can drive well, but 14 hours straight would put me in a ditch someplace in the South... and I really don't want that.

Should probably head downtown tomorrow again, I'll be too bummed out tired to shoot anything decent today. Free TTC weekend parking is a godsend... driving downtown in the bigass sedan is a pain, and I really can't stand being in the burbs for all too long.

I am balancing my keyboard gel pad on my head. I really don't know why, except that I wanted to. Not that I need any more reason than that.

I really should finish unpacking, I've got things strewn about everywhere... but I really don't have the willpower. I'm going to have to pack it all up to move in come August anyway, so if I leave the non-essentials, I'm pretty much half-packed. Not much I need around here.

The numbers on this clock are not situated very well, it is more than half past, and the hour hand is nowhere near being right between the 8 and the 9.

Got a lot of Hamlet on the brain.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 08:17 AM | Permalink

mood:

Working on the comic and the layout. I need to reinstall Photoshop...

Posted by Johann Kwan at 11:32 PM | Permalink

June starts today, and looking back over the last months' blog entries, they weren't all too interesting, besides the one where I recounted my brief adventure as a male model. *grins*

Maybe because I have nothing spectacular to say. The last month has been particularly devoid of philosophical thoughts, maybe becaus of my morose attitude, or maybe because I just don't have the inspiration given that I'm sitting on my ass most of the time here at home.

Either or, still, not too appealing.

It's been a while since I've actually let myself go. Maybe that's why my hours have become as they are now, from 6PM to whenever I choose to go to bed in the morning. I can let myself go in the late hours without any fear of the overwatch.

Not that letting myself go has much substance to it, nor is it much to see. Just a bit of dance, a bit of ritual, and a lot of pleasantness, maybe some meditation, and a lot of thinking...

Right now the thought going through my head is one that's not at all unfamiliar... it's the thought that... if I know that I am capable of reaching out and touching someone from a great distance, to be able to share thoughts, why I've been neglecting it and shunning that side of me which for some reason I fear and associate with unsurmountable pain.

I think the moment I stop being addicted to being depressed I shall cease being emo, which would be, most would say, a very good thing. The one addiction I haven't really kicked yet.

One thing I wonder about the people in Humanities is how many of them actually take the spiritualism to heart, and how many of them continue viewing it purely academically. And I also wonder which is the 'right' way, really. I've been a spiritual being for as long as I can remember, at least, for as long as my romantic mind can remember, I am quite certain I wasn't at all spiritually inclined in my childhood, but it doesn't mean I understand it, which is what I'm trying to do...

I wonder.

I still need to see Waking Life, I think I'll watch that tomorrow. I've had my copy for a ridiculously long time and I've never found the occasion to watch it.

Anyway, I shall depart now before I waste my night away typing silly notions, and rather go back to my thoughts on the interwoven fabric of life and similar nonsense.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 03:00 AM | Permalink