stillascluelessasthedayiwasborn
If there was one thing I could really say I wasn't good at, it'd be saying what I really want to say.
Nick Drake is putting me in that mood again. More accurately, I went out on the town and visited all those old places that put me in the mood to sit down and listen to Nick Drake...
Hope is a dangerous thing.
Someone told me that I should just tell her the things I want to say.
That would take pages. I excel at dragging out a point. It's part of me that I'm not so proud of. That, and the rampant alcoholism, the slothfulness... all those little things.
Like I've said, I want to set things right with _____ for a long time. I want to apologize, I want to tell her things, I want to make up for being the drunken ass I was after the whole thing, I want to make up for the misery I caused...
But I can't say it.
Even as I sit wasting away, even in my worst moments... even the time I was puking all over Ottawa's downtown, this has been something that's been nagging at me, something I've wanted to settle.
But like I've said... I'm really, really bad at it.
Enough about that, I'm enough of a morose motherfucker normally that I should no longer speak of it.
This summer has contrasted sharply with the last. I'm not drunk constantly. I'm not giving into my vices, recovering from any past stupidities, I'm not hooking up one-night stands to make my sorry ass feel better about myself.
I'm me. I'm home, working on my artwork, I'm out, shooting photos, and I'm chill. When I'm home I've got 65 gigs (and counting) of music to listen to... when I'm out, I've got an iPod full of indie and a mind full of classic rock.
Certainly, I do miss Ottawa. My friends are there, what can I say? I want to go out with them, have a beer, and not have to worry about being the one to drive. Heh.
Have I really done much since my celibacy vow has ended in the way of sex? *laughs* Maybe. But it's no longer an important part of my life. A year of celibacy does that to someone. Nor am I really saving it for those special occasions anymore either.
Sure, I still want to find that one person that I could spend the rest of my life with. Sure, I'm still looking.
Till then though, I'm chilled neater than my Stolichnaya. What may come will come. The only thing that haunts me is my past... my future *laughs*... well, I'll deal with that when it comes.
I think I'm going to go watch some more of my dad's Woodstock vids. Or maybe look through his humongous vinyl collection some more. Or maybe... write that e-mail to _____ I've been meaning to write for months.
Cheers, and my love to you all.