Merkavah - Drive the Lord's SUV!

Video games sap up so much of my time, yet... they are extremely relaxing. I suppose I'll never give them up, they are my passion, after all.

I am drooling over the games that we will be seeing within the next month, while trying to find a driver for Bonnaroo quite desperately. If anyone's interested in going to Bonnaroo with Emily and myself, and can drive, let me know.

Anyway, back to the games... GTA: San Andreas is coming out this month for PC, finally. It's been a year since it released on the PS2, and finally us PC and XBox gamers will have our hands on it, with supposedly vastly improved graphics. Since I need a little bit of mayhem in my gaming right now... I do believe I shall enjoy it quite a bit... I've been playing GTA games for a long time (GTA 2 was classic!), and I shall continue to enjoy the unlimited amounts of mayhem and violence I can unleash upon an unsuspecting world. *grins*

F.E.A.R. looks like candy. Very, very pretty and scary candy, complete with scary pale little devil girls. I really haven't seen enough besides screens to make a judgement, but the company that's behind it has a history of delicious games, and I'm quite excited to try it. In terms of graphics and physics, it looks quite polished, so I'm not expecting any let-downs there, except in hoping my PC can handle it.

Last, but certainly not least, is Advent Rising. It certainly doesn't look all that great, in terms of graphics (I believe it runs off the dated Unreal 2 engine, though that wasn't too bad). What's getting my proverbial juices flowing, however, certainly isn't how it looks. It's the person writing the story that is getting me going.

Take a guess.

...

Orson Scott Card. You know, the dude who wrote Ender's Game. The story looks promising, and the XBox version releases tomorrow. I myself will have to wait for another month for it to release on PC, but I can wait.

Anyway, that's all I'm looking forward to this month in terms of games. Of course, all that's overshadowed by the delicious knowledge that soon enough I will be at Bonnaroo. If only I can find another bloody driver...

Later edit: Oops! I forgot Battlefield 2! Also coming out this month, I believe.

Mmmmm...

Posted by Johann Kwan at 04:19 AM | Permalink

Bowled for the first time since San Diego today with my little brother. 157, 124... I'm happy with those scores. My little brother didn't do so well, but then, he doesn't bowl often... so I don't blame him, I promised to take him more often so he could practise more.

S'bout it.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 11:04 PM | Permalink

The sky today seems a beautiful melange of clouds and sky which will look quite delicious with a yellow filter... I intend on going out on a very long photo trip after I get some sleep in.

Sarah Slean's music is delicious. I will have to go see her live one of these days. Right now, however, I am extremely excited about Bonnaroo.

If I can get another driver in place (my other traveller on this trip cannot drive legally) then everything will be set for this trip, and I will be allowed a brief moment to lie back and enjoy mmy life for a while.

The schedule for Bonnaroo is out, so I am checking it out and highlighting shows I definately want to see, and possibles. I didn't notice before, but RJD2 is on there, another treat to enjoy, outside of the music I typically indulge myself in. I intend fully upon expanding my musical horizons this summer.

I am ridiculously excited, the scheduled shows are amazing, and they don't start till past noon, and run till 4... perfect for my decadently self-destructive lifestyle. I'm totally happy about that, and even more so that I can still fit all the bands I definately want to see without conflicts (so far) and I don't have a single show outside of those that I don't want to see... I'll wing it when I get down there, but I'm as excited as a puppy for their treats right now.

Seems like the last night will be a huge party... only one show past 8:30... and I intend not to stop partying till I have to catch my shuteye between driving shifts on the way back...

Damn, I am so excited.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 05:51 AM | Permalink

The sun is rising here in Toronto, I am listening to good music, and life is pretty chill. This is probably because I just had my first bath in years (I shower, typically) except maybe... one I took near the beginning of the year after I thoroughly scrubbed down my dorm tub.

Just want to take a moment and point out how awesome duo of Coco Rosie is. Their album, La Maison De Mon Rêve does not do them justice. I had the pleasure of seeing them live when I was at a Bright Eyes show in Montreal in the dead of winter during the school year, and they blew my mind. Not in the way that acid rock blows my mind, mind you, but nonetheless, that's what they did.

Their album isn't bad either, but I like it all the more because I can still imagine the live show. While I typically like seeing things live nonetheless... they are definately not to be missed.

Anyway, with that said and done, expect some words from me about movies I've seen lately, and how much I hate kids in theatres, and the insane inaction that educators have taken in teaching and disciplining kids in their classes. I'm not in favour of physical punishment, but when the kid is making a very blatant attempt at disturbing others in a theatre enviroment, you'd think they'd do something.

The other part... teaching... is a major complaint I have on the ridiculously terrible level of education my little brother is receiving... but that's a discussion for another time.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 05:44 AM | Permalink

I have two thoughts this morning, both quite short. First: Mornings are starting really bloody early. It's 4:30 now and I can see light returning to the skies. I haven't even gone to bed yet, bloody christ... and I normally sleep past 8 AM...

... the second is: Fantastik is the most essential bathroom cleaning tool ever. I started using it after my can-mate at school cleaned the bathroom without even needing to lift a finger with the stuff, and I swear it works better than anything I've used before. Sure, maybe it doesn't have the germ killing power of say... Lysol... but to remove grime... there's nothing better. Spray, wipe, rinse. I sometimes even skip the wipe and just go straight to the rinse... it still works fine. Amazing stuff. Dare I say... fantast...

No, I really don't.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 04:39 AM | Permalink

That was a pretty sweet game... caught the last bit of the first half while I was at the computer repair shop, and the overtime and shootout soon as I got home after taking my little brother to the dentist.

For those who haven't had the time to check the news yet, Liverpool beat Milan.

There was a guy from London, UK, at the computer shop watching the game with me. Apparently his girlfriend (also from the UK) goes to school at OCAD and he was visiting her.

Nice dude. Arsenal fan... a huge plus in my book.

Anyway... I'm amazed Liverpool pulled back from trailing 3-0... quite the feat. And to squash Milan in shoot outs...

I bet the Milan team's beating themselves up about it now. Poor guys.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 05:47 PM | Permalink

Today's post is about the Japanese, the Chinese, moral depravity, and pure cultural perversion.

Those of you that know me know that I jokingly stick to the Chinese prejudice against the Japanese people, a longstanding hatred since the Second World War. Jokingly, yeah, because I really don't hate them. I do, however, think they're fucked up.

I have linked before Azrael's "I am a Japanese School Teacher" editorials as an example of what I mean. Honestly, it's hilarious, so even if you disagree, take a quick read. Some of the articles will knock your socks off. Some of them are touching, after all, the Japanese aren't monsters, they're people with a different cultural background.

Now, as of late, the Chinese have been protesting against the Japanese. Of course, the first reaction is, "Wow, WWII bites us in the ass again." It's true... the Chinese are fucking pissed, and rightfully so, that the Japanese still don't have the Rape of Nanking, and other atrocities, in their textbooks, and still count known war criminals amongst their heroes at national monuments... sure.

The Chinese, however, still have to face up to atrocities under the Maoist regime. Though I am very sympathetic towards them, not because I am Chinese, but because they were dealt a hard blow by outside aggressors, it still remains somewhat hypocritical. (This, of course, can be said about many other countries, including the United States... another discussion for another time, but I'm sure you see my point)

Enough with the background, anyone with a basic sense of international news already knows most of this. What you may not know, and is the point of my post right now, is that the Japanese culture remains one of the most perverse in the world.

Take, for example, historical documentation from Japan which documents many cases of rape of girls at a very young age. Take, again, the rape of Nanking, the thousands of images from that atrocity, and the prizes of war that the Japanese took... the rape of practically every young girl, and the photos accompanying their actions.

History is typically a slight indicator of current cultural trends, however, it is not impossible to overcome the trends of cultural history.

So we turn to modern Japan. J-Pop remains one of the worst things possible for a set of ears to experience. A vast majority of those bands are scantily-clad girls (younger than Tatu, in some cases) that rely on sex appeal to get through. On top of that, the Japanese continue their love of young girls in their schoolgirl fantasies, wealth of sex-toys, and tentacle hentai. I have nothing against sexual liberation, mind you, it is simply the existence of a mass lolita-complex that disturbs me. At that point it's not sexual liberation, it's just perversion.

The latest episode in this comic ballad being this... which is why I brought up the politics between China and Japan... a young Japanese girl (11 years of age) flaunting her body in the attempt to suppress anti-Japanese sentiment.

I can't make up my mind whether to admire the gutsiness in the attempt or to continue my ranting about how that's just really, really fucked up.

My little brother is older than she is. I would link pictures, but I'm not posting child smut... look for them yourself if you really want to see them.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 01:45 AM | Permalink

5 AM. Not a drop of liquor in the body.

I sent it.

I'm going to go and kick myself repeatedly now.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 04:53 AM | Permalink

I've decided most of this summer shall be spent locked in here, blinds drawn, hiding in darkness, working away at my sketches and crying away my past.

At least, until I get a job. That money thing likes to rear its ugly head every so often and bite me in the arse.

I can't explain why I am so depressed as of late. I think it's this town, but I've nothing to prove that. Perhaps its the lack of interaction with familiar faces, the random encounters in the dark, the absence of substance or emotion in my relationship with anyone I see.

Where can I escape to? Everyone I know seems either too far away or too busy for me to even bother seeing, those from my past I have lost all means of even saying the simplest hello...

... and with save a few, do I really want to, with all the bad memories that it entails?

I keep running from a past I still am not ready to face.

I hate this hiding, this ridiculous play I have wrapped myself in, one in which I play a conniving fool. I hate it... even in private to myself I cannot reveal even to the darkness the measures of my true purposes and my true emotions.

Not enough to my closest of friends could I disclose thus.

Certainly I may raise questions by saying this, but it's human nature to assume, and not to ask. I have become so adept at hiding with half-truths I do not even think those who have known me in my best and worst of times know what it is that so torments me, nor could they possibly guess.

I wonder if I truely know myself.

I am rambling... shame on me. I haven't even a drop of alcohol in me.

I shall return with booze and more depression. I don't really enjoy writing this sort of thing... I swear this town will drive me back into insanity.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 10:28 PM | Permalink

I live far too decadent a life, and it's killing me. I don't think I'd notice if anyone stuck me up with an IV of alcohol... and such decadence leads to debaucherous encounters with the opposite sex, all the while wishing brokenheartedly that I had someone who cared, and to care for, once again... not someone whose name I'll barely remember in the morning, who treats me as just another slab of flesh on the eternal hunting grounds of sexual liberation... if that's what it is that they seek.

Me, I seek solace, and I'll be damned if I'm getting any.

Maybe it's being home that makes me so bloody morose. I hate this side of town. Downtown s fun, but all in all I miss Ottawa... my friends are there, save a few around these parts and many in NY, none of whom I've seen since I got home.

Sure, maybe you might think I've nothing to complain about. I'm getting laid, aren't I? This should be a good thing...

A heart like mine doesn't allow for random casual sex to be a good thing, much as it can be enjoyable. The regret and the longing far outweigh the simple pleasures.

What I would give to be back in Ottawa, with my friends, drinking... smoking... and being on the dance floor once again... and what I would give to find someone who meant something, someone who I could actually give a damn about.

Sometimes I'm just a bit of an asshole.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 03:20 AM | Permalink

Sometimes music is literally orgasmic. However, there are times when I'm just listening to music (typically trancier stuff) and I think... 'damn, this is lacking in oomph.'

Then I overlay sounds of people *having* orgasms and mix them as I go from another media player. Not porn, mind you, the milder, gentler orgasms of people actually having orgasms, rather faking them for the camera. Less moaning, more panting. When overlaying sitar, classical guitar, drums, and electronic mix, it is perfect.

Don't ask me where I get these things. Nor these ideas... I'm insane, remember?

Posted by Johann Kwan at 12:30 AM | Permalink

Ohh monkeys. I just had a vision.

Another one, you ask?

Well, this is less prescience than simple: "I am sooo going to do this."

It begins with another night, another morose Johann sitting on the piano bench, plunking away at keys, a Guiness a good ways away so as not to spill on the piano I've had since I was five. It begins with me thinking about lost loves and lost oppurtunities. It begins with me thinking about people I miss, people who've died.

And it ends with me crashing the finale to Funeral For A Friend. I wonder who the guitar was, hah.

I am going to find music for it, and I'm going to learn it. I miss the piano.

And I miss morose, drunken piano moreso.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 10:38 PM | Permalink

I remember fuckmicrosoft.com. I wonder if it's still around. I don't care though, I'm pissed right now, so I'm not going to look.

I have to reinstall Windows. I screwed up a repair, since I didn't uninstall Daemon Tools, now I have to reformat and start anew.

Lucky I had my music on another partition, or I would be screaming and crying. Crying and screaming. You get the point.

Fucking Microsoft piece of shit. I HATE YOU. This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so shitty at networking!

Posted by Johann Kwan at 01:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I caught the last bit of The Life And Death Of Peter Sellers on the telly... and now I'm in a ridiculously melancholic mood. The reflection of my own madness is a little bit more than I can bear, the perfectionism... god, too much.

Of course, I understand that we see ourselves in everything. But I've always been an admirer of Peter Sellers, which is the only reason I switched on the movie.

Friday night television doesn't have much else to offer but cheesy porn, I would normally have been back here working on my comic, or bouncing bits of my own insanity off the walls.

Charlize Theron made a good Britt Ekland, I thought.

In more interesting news, since this blog has become less of an interesting read since it's beginnings in March (I'm trying, I swear, and that might be the problem)... they're selling this amazingly hot substance (hot as in... spicy) which is practically pure capsaicin... 16 mill Scofield Units. I first read about it on my daily comic romp over at Schlock Mercenary...

Wow. 16 million Scoville Units. I pride myself on putting insane amounts of heat in my food (and God's punishment for me being a very, very weak-walled stomach now), but I wouldn't even touch that stuff.

Yipe.

Someone make a spray bottle for that thing... you could have ultra-strength pepper spray almost guaranteed to bring someone down... if not kill them.

Wow.

I'd like to see footage of people brave (or stupid) enough to have tried that stuff.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 03:15 AM | Permalink

For pretty pictures, see below.

"Dance, dance, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the Dance says he."

I miss the parties already. Moreso, I miss the dance floor.

Being celibate really taught me a thing or two about dance. I mean... hell. You can dance with someone all you like. It sucks. Why limit your artistic expression (Yes, I am calling dance a form of artistic expression) to the motions of someone else?

Or limit yourself to a style? I will walk off the dance floor if anyone asks me to break-dance. Sure, I can do it. I've done it once or twice before. I almost gave in to someone at one of the Hums parties this year.

But why? It's a form of structure. Human nature is chaotic, beautiful, and wayyy too many things to express in formalized styles.

If you want to be sexy, go dance the tango. If you want to look cool, grab some glowsticks and party-hardy. If you want to express the innermost turmoil and chaos that and embodiment of human nature...

Do as I do. Let go.

Sure. You might get into a fight. It's happened to me before at some pretty intense shows... years back. Sure... you might just go nuts. You might ending up impressing everyone. You might move faster than you ever thought you could. You might end up needing a lot of water.

But isn't that what it's all about? If dance is an art form, and we're to consider modern art a true chaotic expression of what makes us human... then modern dance... should it not be the utter chaos that results when you let go?

People this year have told me they loved my dance. I thank them from my heart... but it's not like they're not capable of the same, s'long as they let go. Don't think about hooking up by the end of the night. Don't think about looking good while you're doing it.

Don't think.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I still haven't gotten around to that e-mail. That's the way I am... but I figure I'll sit back, have a beer, and write up that adventure that I've been promising for so long.

There will be plenty more this summer, so keep your eyes peeled.\

Keep in mind most of these pictures were taken with my camera dangling at my hips, to avoid people noticing I was taking photos so I could get around the buildings.

The adventure begins in the Yamaha Music School (the one across from Mel Lastman Square). I look down, and I've got my camera, and I think... damn... it's too nice a day to be sitting here waiting for my little brother's cello competition. S'much as I like music and all, I hear my little brother play all the time. He's not that good.

So I go down to the street. At first, I really have no idea where I want to go. So I wander, experimenting with camera options. I go over to the Performing Arts Centre, look around, go into the School Board building, all sorts of places. I even go inside the office buildings I would later go and explore, but I'm just snapping off pictures. Here are a few...

Twas' fun. A lot of shots (like the one with the cop and the road workers) were taken with the camera at the hip or just with the camera held in my hand as my arm dangled at my side. Of course, none of these people gave me model releases, but since I'm not making money off any of this and it's quite possibly under the whole freedom of press thing anyway... neh.

If I were to sell prints... *laughs* then I'd be in trouble.

Anyway, after buying a book from the sale at the public library, I go back to the Yamaha school... only to find out my little brother's gone in already for his competition thing and I'd have more time to explore. Quite awesome, in my opinion, so I went back down.

I looked up at the office buildings I had already walked through the bottom floors of, and thought... "Hmm, lets get to the top and take some wide-angles from up there..."

Of course, I realized that people might not be so happy with that, but hey, what's photography without a little bit of fun?

First building I went up, I could only find the elevator that got up the the 8th floor. Total suck. The doors to the offices were also all passcard locked. Well... not exactly, I'll explain in a sec. Here's a photo of the 8th floor:

Yeah, that's the office for L'Oreal Canada... at least in Toronto. I was curious, and the office right across from the main door was empty. I tugged on the door handle just to see if it was actually locked...

... it wasn't. There must've been a shoot going on, because I could hear people around the corner... and it definately sounded like a shoot. I was tempted to go back to the van, grab my tripod and my manual, and pretend to belong... but I probably would've been caught with my pants down pretty quick.

Anyway, thinking to come back to the office later if I couldn't get any higher, I walked out and started looking for the stairs. Good thing too, since as soon as the door closed behind me, the occupant of the office I *would've* snuck into came back from the bathroom. Pretty yuppie boy, at that. He looked at me oddly, then pretended to swipe his card before he went in. He didn't even put his card fully in the swipe-machine...

As if I wouldn't have to just try the door... heh.

Anyway, so I found the stairs. They were right next to the men's room... same place the guy had just come from. Whoopie. Someone up above really likes me.

However, as I went up the stairs, every floor above this one was locked. Quite depressing, actually... I guess they must've been all one corporation with their own private elevator or something. The doors probably only opened from the inside. I eventually left the building...

On my way down on the elevator, someone got on the next floor down. Awkward elevator silences are nothing new to me, so I just fiddled with my camera. Imagine my surprise when he tried to start conversation with: "Are you a model?"

Flabberghasted, I was like, "uh... what?" I mean... I'm not that good looking, and I'm skinnier than a fencepost. If that's what qualifies for beauty nowadays... wow. That, and I had a camera in my hand... Do most models carry a camera?

"L'Oreal upstairs... youamodel?"

How else was I supposed to answer? "No... just exploring." "Oh."

Awkward silence resumed. I was just rolling it over in my head... me... a model... riiiiiight...

I checked back, and I still had time. Abnormally long performance, I thought, but no worries, I went off to another building. 5000 Yonge. Fancy place, really. They've got tellies in the elevator. Bloody fast elevators, at that. I was up on the 21st floor in no time.

Of course, first thing I did when I got out was hide my camera behind my back. No use... the receptionist (for Cadbury, by the way) asked, "Can I help you?"

Heh the perfect answer to land me in a spot of trouble would've been... "Nooo, I'm just taking photos, eff' off." Or maybe... "Yes, my name is Agent Smith, I'm with the RCMP. I'm looking for Mister Anderson. I don't have an appointment." Riiiiight... I just said "Oops, wrong floor..." and split.

Sucked, cause it would've been a pretty decent view. Such is life, I suppose. I snapped another shot from the hip of the reception desk on the ground floor... and just went back to the school to find my little brother done with his contest.

There were a lot of other pictures, but they weren't all too exceptional. I still can't believe the guy thought I was a model.

A model. Yeah... right.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 09:51 PM | Permalink

If there was one thing I could really say I wasn't good at, it'd be saying what I really want to say.

Nick Drake is putting me in that mood again. More accurately, I went out on the town and visited all those old places that put me in the mood to sit down and listen to Nick Drake...

Hope is a dangerous thing.

Someone told me that I should just tell her the things I want to say.

That would take pages. I excel at dragging out a point. It's part of me that I'm not so proud of. That, and the rampant alcoholism, the slothfulness... all those little things.

Like I've said, I want to set things right with _____ for a long time. I want to apologize, I want to tell her things, I want to make up for being the drunken ass I was after the whole thing, I want to make up for the misery I caused...

But I can't say it.

Even as I sit wasting away, even in my worst moments... even the time I was puking all over Ottawa's downtown, this has been something that's been nagging at me, something I've wanted to settle.

But like I've said... I'm really, really bad at it.

Enough about that, I'm enough of a morose motherfucker normally that I should no longer speak of it.

This summer has contrasted sharply with the last. I'm not drunk constantly. I'm not giving into my vices, recovering from any past stupidities, I'm not hooking up one-night stands to make my sorry ass feel better about myself.

I'm me. I'm home, working on my artwork, I'm out, shooting photos, and I'm chill. When I'm home I've got 65 gigs (and counting) of music to listen to... when I'm out, I've got an iPod full of indie and a mind full of classic rock.

Certainly, I do miss Ottawa. My friends are there, what can I say? I want to go out with them, have a beer, and not have to worry about being the one to drive. Heh.

Have I really done much since my celibacy vow has ended in the way of sex? *laughs* Maybe. But it's no longer an important part of my life. A year of celibacy does that to someone. Nor am I really saving it for those special occasions anymore either.

Sure, I still want to find that one person that I could spend the rest of my life with. Sure, I'm still looking.

Till then though, I'm chilled neater than my Stolichnaya. What may come will come. The only thing that haunts me is my past... my future *laughs*... well, I'll deal with that when it comes.

I think I'm going to go watch some more of my dad's Woodstock vids. Or maybe look through his humongous vinyl collection some more. Or maybe... write that e-mail to _____ I've been meaning to write for months.

Cheers, and my love to you all.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 09:30 PM | Permalink

Been really lax on updates, I know, bear with me.

Let me tell you what you can expect here within the next month:
- A new layout, integrating the main johannkwan.com site and finally getting it up.

- The comic which I've been promising... got a storyline fleshed out and some strips done now, all that remains is a viable comic script. I might just borrow Richie's.

- Some pretty big blog posts about my adventures as of late chock-filled with pictures.

- New art and photos!

- My thoughts on Massively Multiplayer Online games, after finishing my 14-day trial of EVE Online. (No, it's not the only MMO game I've played)

I finally have time to do things. I made it past the first year of University! Sweeeeeeeeet. My grades got back, and I'm happy.

Cheers!

Posted by Johann Kwan at 12:36 PM | Permalink

Totally weird dream.

I was in Newcastle visiting my cousins, and I get introduced to Jamie Oliver (The Naked Chef), right. He's up in those parts doing some special show or something, and we end up heading out to a bar together.

We chat a lot, me with my Canadian accent, talking about the food, how it's not that good, but the shakes and beer are great, and how to make a good battered chicken (he demonstrates with the chicken which he leaves virtually untouched from the bar), and all that. We're sitting on the same side cause we can both see the telly that way.

So this carries on for a long time. So far, it's a pretty decent dream, hanging with Jamie Oliver. I mean, that's bloody cool.

Then he asks me (after a few brews) if I want to go to Hong Kong with him. Hey says he's never met (forget who, Leno, maybe, which doesn't make sense) and he wants to go. Crazy, but sure. I'm thinking I can go see my grandma and see other people (including my friend Janet, who's down there now) and hang some more with The Naked Chef. I haven't watched his show... in ages.

Anyway, this also carries out for a long time.

He has more brews.

Then he asks me how the wife was. I reply, of course, that I don't have one.

Begin the hardcore "hitting on Johann when you're too drunk to tell he's not that good looking". I tell him that it's not like that... though I admit it once might've been.

It doesn't stop.

I woke up when the barmaid asked us to keep it to ourselves. Or more accurately, asked him, with the implication that I wanted it.

Not as though I haven't been confused for my former bi self many a time, but it's totally weird that I had a dream with Jamie Oliver in it.

Anyway, sorry for the non-posts lately, been busy doing things (including crazy explorations)... I'll maybe make a post (with pictures) sometime in the next week about my adventure in random office buildings where I got confused for a model. (true story!)

P.S. I'm pretty sure Jamie Oliver isn't gay. Maybe he is, and I just don't know it, but I'm pretty sure. In fact, I think he's married, with kids. Don't ask me why my subconscious wants him to be... I DON'T KNOW. My mind can be weird.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 10:13 AM | Permalink

Waiting for my grades quite anxiously...

I set up my new 200 GB HD last night, for a total of 400 GBs of space. In the process, broke one of the cold cathode light tubes in my PC, and cut myself up pretty bad on the corner of my sound card. Happens... not new to blood being a result of computer mooding, after all, and with my pretty cheapish case (well, it's no Thermaltake or Antec...) it's not really a big surprise.

Funny how much of a difference in temperature dust makes. I didn't clean my PC all year at school, and it was the first thing I did soon as I got home... dropped my CPU temp by 15 degrees celcius. Then added two fans and didn't get much of a sound level increase, given the lower temperature. Fun stuff.

Spent a large chunk of last night sorting out all my music, now that the new hard drive's in place and I have more room. The full list of my music is here. That's just the sorted stuff too, though most of it *is* sorted. Almost 4 weeks worth of straight listening, if I were to listen to it from front to back.

Almost month's worth of music... and I'm not even done. I'm still missing some bands I really like. Iron Butterfly, for example... and a lot of jazz and blues I didn't had access to while I was at school. (School network blocks most of the good filesharing software... so I was limited to stuff people in the school had, and not many people are really into either genre).

Anyway, Off to do things or get a nap in before I call up a professor.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 08:16 AM | Permalink

By the way, happy May Day.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 07:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've never been to confession. Not being Catholic, this should be no surprise. I wish, though, I had the ability to. I have far too many things plaguing my mind.

I've been avoiding talking about them here, but I may as well bare them all now. I cannot sleep, for my worries have been killing me slowly, and I just can't take it anymore.

One missed essay could be the cause of my failure to make it past even the first year of University. One essay. That's disappointing.

And to think it's all because I just felt so fucking awkward after being in San Diego. My topsy-turvy emotions will be the end of me yet.

What can I do? I can't do jack-all but sit here and worry. Not a damn thing. I wish I could, but I can't. It's well beyond the point for action.

The sad thing is the essay's DONE. It was just done during exam week, when I finally got my emotions under my reins again.

Fuck.

On top of that I've been wanting to say something to ____ now that I'm back. I hear she's gone elsewhere in T.O... but I still have her e-mail. But every time I write her I end up deleting it all.

What am I supposed to say? I'm sorry I screwed up a major part of your life? I'm sorry for being such a dick? Tell her that after we broke up I drank my face off and generally acted like a fool?

Tell her that I still think about her? That I've wanted to set things right for a long time?

Being home reminds me of all this stupid shit. All this crap that's happened since ... everything. All the pain, all the bullshit, all the lies, all the shitty people I used to know.

As much as I hate tobacco I really could use a smoke right now. I need some measure of calm.

Time flies. Nothing like being depressed and watching the minute hand of a clock move slowly as it does across the face of a clock impresses that upon me more. One full circle and an hour's already gone.

How many hours do I have to wait until I know whether I need to go beat myself stupid for fucking up my first year of University?

Oh wait, but I already am stupid.

Posted by Johann Kwan at 08:58 AM | Permalink